fun and social, playfull and pasionate and eventually the connection vibe.
i really love this. Now i know what to do and how tro do it.
How to Talk to Girls
When I was high school I had no idea how to talk to girls. When I got into conversations with them I just asked boring questions and tried not to offend them or make anything awkward. I didn't tease or challenge them and I barely had fun while talking. Yes, I was a typical nice guy (or kid).
Strangely enough, my male friends in high school were the bullies. They annoyed every other kid, including girls and they made no sense at all doing dumb sh*t all the time. But they had lots of fun doing what they did. You might be able to guess it, but those fun douche bags also got all the girls chasing them.
Just by associating with those guys, quite a lot of girls were also attracted to me. The problem back then was that I was too preoccupied with my self-esteem issues to notice that girls kinda liked me. If I look back at it now the only thing I had to do was relax, allow those girls to connect with me and have fun with them. If I wanted to take it a step further I could have teased them a bit or copied some more behaviors of my buddies. But as I said, I had my own internal battles to conquer back then.
Fast forward and I’ve learned a lot since then. I've always believed that success, be it with women or in whatever area of your life starts from within. And even years after mastering this dating stuff and succeeding in a lot of other endeavors, I still believe this to be true. Success starts with building up your personality and becoming your best self. You’ll get what you’re worth, so for dating, if you want your dream girl become the man of her dreams. Luckily girls aren’t as externally or looks focused as we men often can be. Even if you’re initially not her type when she sees you, your personality can compensate. Personality can rarely compensate for us guys when it comes to not being initially attracted to women, so again, we’re lucky. As a guy, if you improve yourself you can meet and attract the women you want.
In the core of your personality lies your self-esteem.
Your self-esteem has a ripple effect to everything you do, perceive or feel. If you want to become an attractive male, you need to handle this part of your life. I wrote a guide on self-esteem that you can download here. If you feel like your self-esteem or confidence could use help, check it out before you move on.
You’re feeling good
One of the reasons I wanted you to read my self-esteem guide is that you need to feel deserving of whichever girl you bump into, if you want to get with her at least. Why? Because to talk to them in an attractive way you have to feel like you deserve them. If you don’t feel good enough you’ll never relax, open up or communicate the right way.
I’m not telling you to feel like an over-entitled jerk that thinks he’s too good to even try to get the girl. But you have to be relaxed around her and realize your own value as a man. Fixing your self-esteem is what will help you do this.
Before we get into the conversation part of this article, I’ll take a moment to repeat the basics again. I do this in most of my longer articles because they just can’t be forgotten. Adding most of these things to your behavior make you very attractive while missing most of them is very unattractive. A lot of them are hard to do by the way if your self-esteem isn’t in place. Holding eye contact and speaking slowly isn’t the easiest thing when you’re super nervous and intimidated by a gorgeous woman… Anyway, here they are:
- Okay fashion, ask other people with a better fashion sense for help. If you're short like me, Nike's or shoes with a small heel are worth it.
- Take care of yourself, includes hygiene, a decent haircut, clean teeth, not stinking...
- Hold strong but relaxed eye-contact in conversations, this conveys a lot. A lot of guys get nervous and screw this up when talking to attractive women. A good ballpark is to break eye contact slightly every 4 seconds and than holding it again.
- Speak in a loud and clear but calm way, get a grip over your voice and try to deepen it. More on this in another article.
- Slow everything down. The way you move, speak, react. This comes across relaxed and confident. Calm is not monotonous and boring by the way.
- Try to get in a social mood by talking with everybody, curiosity is a gift.
Observe attractive traits in others and copy them. Stack up as many attractive features as you can and always keep improving. Let's go practical now.
We’re going to start from the beginning. You spot a girl and you need to start a conversation with her. Check out my article on starting conversations here: How to Start Conversations with Women. Once you’re off with a smooth start the conversation can begin.
When talking to people there are always underlying frames or vibes in conversations.
The strongest ones come through the most, and when they’re established they’re not so easy to switch up. This is why you should always aim for a good start and why it’s often easier to meet a new girl than to fix a situation you’ve messed up already.
We often times use vibes to guide ourselves, not the other person, they will follow. You need to buy yourself into the vibe you want to convey so that you start behaving that way in a more congruent way. If you feel like you’re a funny guy you’ll act in ways that confirm it. If you feel like you’re confident, your behavior will show it too. It’s like the placebo or fake it till you make it effect. It has been shown that it helps so go for it.
The first underlying vibe I want you to put on yourself is the fun and social vibe. This vibe is about conveying yourself as a cool, fun and sociable dude. It makes getting into conversations with people a lot easier for yourself. With this vibe you also tease people in innocent ways while talking to them. This is part of having fun. To get better at this read my article on Self-Amusement to Attract Women here. Once you’re in a fun conversations you add in two more vibes.
The second vibe is a playful and passionate tension vibe. It’s the vibe that shows others you’re a sexual being. It’s the vibe that creates tension with the girls you’re interacting with. You do this by holding eye contact and looking at their lips in combination with silences. Looking at people while not talking creates tension, and this can be turned into sexual tension with women. Not talking while looking at someone also puts pressure on them to keep on talking by the way. This can help us with the next frame too.
Finally the connection frame. This is the frame that looks for commonalities and things that you like about eachother. You do this to actually create a bond between you and others. You do this by asking questions, sharing facts and stories about yourself so you actually get to know people. The best conversations to create deep connections involve strong emotions. Favourite travel destinations are an example. Things about your youth, passions, dreams, things that motivate you and so on… Sharing conversations that talk about these things can create a deep sense of rapport between people.
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What does this all mean
The above 3 frames of conversation should always be present when talking to girls. They accomplish different things and complement each other like this.
- To visualize this you use the first frame as a fun and sociable guys to randomly strike up conversations with people. This way you come across as innocent and fun which allows people to let you in.
- After you get into the conversation you slowly start adding in sexual tension to gauge how attracted she is to you. This is something that you have to do when you’re attracted to girls because it will allow you to push things further to the next level when girls like you. It will also be less strange if you then try to kiss her later in the conversation. Check out my article on how to kiss girls for more on that here.
- And the final third frame allows you to connect and bond with girls so that they feel comfortable enough around you to be more than friends.
As you hold conversations with girls keep these frames in there and slowly push things further by escalating by asking her on a date or trying to kiss her then and there.
How to keep talking
This paragraph is about holding conversations, I’ll soon write a full article on it but here’s the meat and potatoes. To keep on talking you have to pick up on possible subjects to talk about that came up in the conversation.
Example: You ask a girl where she’s from. She answers: ‘I was raised in Paris but I live in Amsterdam now.’ From that one sentence you have a whole range of topics to talk about. Just those two cities give you endless possibilities. Everything related to France, Paris, The Netherlands, Amsterdam, the culture there, buildings there, art there, special food or whatever those places remind you. You can talk about travelling, moving, her favourite city of the two and why and so on… The possibilities are really endless.
So let’s say you start talking about Amsterdam and the canals there. You could tell her about a boat trip you took in Amsterdam and ask her if she has taken one. Then depending on her response you can keep the subject the same or jump of something else she said there…
The point is to start seeing all of the possibilities to talk about random stuff you pick up in the conversation or think about. You do this naturally with your friends by the way… The only difference is that you’re less stressed out with them than you are with cute girls. You can practice talking endlessly with a friend of yours. Just randomly start talking to each other and make the deal to last at least five minutes without stopping. Even saying stuff that doesn’t make sense is okay. It’s more about just talking to each other than saying meaningful stuff at this point. When you talk to people your sub-communications convey a lot more about you than the actual words, so keep that in mind.
To wrap this article up:
- Get your basics covered to be an attractive man
- Start conversations with a fun and social frame in mind
- Add in tension to your conversations to show that you’re attracted to the girls you’re talking to
- Add in a connection vibe and get to know her so she’s comfortable around you and likes you as a person
- Keep talking while pushing things forward and escalating on her with the underlying vibes going
- Enjoy life
That’s it for today guys! Thank you for reading and I’ll speak to ya soon!