Great advice for anyone still struggling with their self-esteem.
When it comes to leverage points fixing your self-esteem is probably the best investment of your time.
This will take some work if you have a long way to go.
Working on yourself will make a big difference, eat healthy, exercise at least 3 times per week and when going out always look your best.
Self-esteem alone will get you very far, looking good and feeling awesome will be the cherry on top ;-)
Estimating Me - Part 1
Building Self-Esteem for a fulfilling life
What makes self-esteem a cornerstone for the quality of your life?
Reality is made of perceptions and choices.
The world is the way you understand it, and this determines your actions.
In the middle of this, right in the very centre, is you.
How you perceive yourself is central to everything you think and everything you do.
It influences your dreams, your choices and your actions.
The way you perceive yourself will determine your relationships with others, and of course, your love life.
When it comes to dating:
A lot of people try using ‘techniques’ or lines to make women want them, but they don’t realise that being attractive comes from within.
The further your skills with women improve, the more you’ll realise that it’s all about exploring and developing yourself.
When you have a high self-esteem, that is deeply rooted in your personality, you automatically convey attractive qualities to others. You no longer have to act confident or charismatic, you become it.
A prime example of such a quality is feeling entitled.
Believing that a woman would be lucky to be with you, can be very alluring to her.
Feeling entitled induces subconscious changes in your behaviour that other people can sense.
Low self-esteem can make you feel unworthy of attractive women, like they would never want you.
This becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
High quality women are not interested in men that aren’t comfortable with themselves.
Notwithstanding, being a bit nervous while talking to a pretty girl is normal, healthy, and unrelated to your self-image.
It’s a consequence of liking her, which is good!
We can conclude, self-esteem is a topic that demands our attention.
What is self-esteem
Self-esteem is the subjective emotional evaluation of our own worth.
It is how we perceive our value towards the world and towards others.
It encompasses our beliefs, like I am worthy or worthless, and emotions, like pride or shame.
These perceptions are often so deeply rooted in our subconsciousness, that simple tricks won’t change them.
Self-esteem is an essential component of your personality, it allows you to take care of yourself, have fun, and live a fulfilling life.
Your self-esteem can enable you to have big goals and a clear vision.
This goes from building businesses to seducing attractive women.
It can make you feel worthy of your desires, and give you the tenacity, motivation and excitement to go for them.
Self-esteem can only change through consistent habitual change, be it intellectual, emotional or physical.
In this piece, we hand a practical guidance to raise your self-esteem and build a winners lifestyle.
We offer ways to realise your potential, to pursue the world and women you desire.
First, I’m going to talk about my personal experience to give some perspective.
This can be an interesting read because my struggle and journey with self-worth might resemble yours.
If you want to start with the practical guidance at once, skip this two page personal chapter.
About 5-7 years ago I had a lot of self-esteem issues. I perceived myself as short and fat.
My insecurities influenced me a lot.
While I wasn’t tall or slim, I did have a lot going on for me.
I’ve always had friends and had lots of fun with the girls surrounding us. (Even though I never hooked up with them.)
My grades were good and I had an awesome family at home.
On paper I should have had a blast, but I was never satisfied with myself.
You set your standards according to your environment.
Back then, all of my friends were in better shape than me and had girlfriends (while I never had one).
It doesn’t really make sense, but this made me feel inadequate.
After a certain summer I got tired of feeling bad, and suddenly got super motivated.
I decided to start changing what I could. The first step was losing weight.
I started jogging regularly and learned everything I could about nutrition.
After a while, eating healthy and running became very enjoyable.
I lost all of my excess weight that year, and compliments kept coming in.
These inspired me to keep working on what I could improve.
I decided to start wearing nicer clothes, get a decent hair cut and start learning martial arts to build up my confidence.
The longer people hadn't seen me, the more they were shocked after bumping into me again.
For the first time, I was actually feeling good about myself.
It took a solid two years, but fixing my self-image felt like my first true accomplishment.
This gave me the confidence to try and excel in other areas too.
I had finally accepted myself. This laid the foundation for my self-esteem.
My negative self-image lost it’s dominion. My attention started shifting outwards.
“How can you love someone else, if you can’t love yourself?”
Before these changes, I pushed girls away and chickened out when they got close.
When I became proud of who I was, I allowed myself to actually connect with others, and to freely share my emotions.
When I finally got my first girlfriend, my core confidence kept growing stronger.
Things actually clicked and I started getting more skilled with women.
Fast forwards, a couple of years later and now I’m able to connect with beautiful women and great people, wherever I go and whenever I want.
I'm not saying that I can seduce all women.
But I'm able to meet and attract more beautiful girls than I have time for, and I'll never be lonely again.
After 5 years of unguided self-exploration, my confidence allowed me to fulfil my aspirations with women.
If you use the practical information below, you’ll be able to build up the self-esteem needed to master your skills with women within weeks or months, not years.
I still have my struggles, but I've reached a point where my self-esteem supports my desires to meet the women and life I aspire. And you can reach it too.
As you start working on yourself, realise this:
Self-esteem is not about affirmations, or tricking yourself in believing things.
It is determined by what we do, and built up through a lifelong journey of practice.
Building a solid self-esteem
A while ago, I read The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden.
It is one of the best books on the subject. It resonated a lot with my personal take on self-esteem, and enriched it.
For this piece I will use the same Six Pillars as Branden uses, dividing the following text into six chapters. They give a clear framework to write about my own experience on this subject. I’ll also relate the practices to social skills and dating.
Every pillar starts with ’The practice…’.
This emphasises how self-esteem is something you build up.
It are these consistent habitual changes, like I mentioned earlier, that can truly change your ways.
These changes will also intensify your experiences with women.
Read the next phrases carefully.
While going through each pillar, think about applying them to your life.
Think about habits you can form around these practices.
Take your time, but do it.
If you start understanding the roots of your desires and motivations, you might change the course of your life.
“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then is not an act, but a habit.” —Aristotle.
1. The practice of living consciously.
Be conscious of your life, thoughts, and actions, while being cognisant of the present moment.
Most people live in a blur. They mindlessly go through their daily routines, feeling foggy and unproductive.
Knowing where you are, gives you a clear vision of where you want to be.
Accepting your reality allows you to build your dreams in a productive way.
Ask yourself questions to raise self-awareness.
See your life for what it is. Forget what could and should be and see what IS. Confine yourself to the present.
After you rid yourself of these blurring could-and-should-thoughts, you are not only able to envision your dreams better, you are able to craft a more realistic and efficient plan to put them into action.
I want you to read the next paragraph and take 10 minutes to think about your own desires.
Think about your short and long term desires, then write them down.
Think about why you desire those things, and what you’re going to do about them.
There are no right or wrong answers, just let your thoughts flow.
You feel like improving your skills with women. Why do you want this?
How do you think the results you want, will make you feel? Are you looking for a deep connection or just fun?
Different outcomes require different actions. You can only get what you want if you know what you want.
Right now, stop reading and write these things down. This is a part of setting goals that enables you to actually achieve them.
Do this practice regularly, and keep it in mind when you’re feeling a bit lost or overwhelmed.
It’s a good way to start your workweek.
You can download the full guide for free as a beautiful e-book here.
This can be a powerful tool to raise your self-awareness.
Sentence completion is when you write a sentence stem, and then create (5-10) endings for it.
For subjects that you’ve avoided handling, this can cause real breakthroughs.
Here are two examples of one stem with 5 completions:
Learning to attract women is important for me because…
1. I will never feel lonely again.
2. I will be able to have sex more often.
3. I’m tired of going to family events by myself.
4. I’d like to have a cool girlfriend.
5. Other men might respect me more.
If I start 3 conversations a day, for 30 days, with new attractive women, I will…
1. Improve my social skills.
2. Definitely meet a couple of fun girls to hang out with.
3. Probably meet some women that I end up sleeping with.
4. Stop feeling so anxious to talk to women.
5. Start enjoying the process of seeking and attracting women.
While writing the completions, don’t stop to think.
If it enters your mind, just write it down. When you’re done, let your answers sink in and reflect upon them.
This exercise will improve your self-awareness, and will help you align your actions with your goals.
I suggest that you complete one sentence stem every day, for the first 30 days.
Assess afterwards. These can be real eye-openers.
The above practices will make you think about your life and actions in a different way.
They’ll make you focus on what’s actually important to you.
Learning to be present and in the moment:
“This is the real secret of life - to be completely engaged with what you are doing in the here and now.
And instead of calling it work, realise it is play.”
― Alan W. Watts
In the above chapter we talked about ways to become more self-aware.
Now I want you to learn to focus on your environment while you’re not self-reflecting.
Try to experience your surroundings, and notice the beauty around.
Let curiosity and appreciation be a guide, as you explore your environments.
Admiring the grandeur in small things brings enjoyment and a refreshing perspective.
When talking to others, give them your undivided attention.
When having a conversation, focus and actually listen to what people are saying.
Forget about your agenda and don’t just wait for your turn to respond.
When talking with people, try to get on their level, seek to understand them and ask relevant questions.
Create moments where you validate their thoughts and feelings without judging or interrupting them.
This will greatly improve your relationships.
People usually aren't looking for advice, they just want to feel understood.
“If you want to be interesting, be interested.”
The more you practice being present, the easier and more natural it becomes.
Your brain is adaptive, just like a muscle. It gets stronger when challenged.
Meditation is a great way to improve your capacity to focus.
More on this in an upcoming article and in the videos.
When you’re with a woman, forget your goals and plans for a while.
Forget your need for validation and listen. Being present allows you to deeply connect with others.
“You can make more friends in two months by becoming really interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you. Which is just another way of saying that the way to make a friend is to be one.”
— Dale Carnegie (How to win friends and influence people).
The next pillars and the final chapter
2. The practice of self-acceptance.
3. The practice of self-responsibility.
4. The practice of self-assertiveness.
5. The practice of living purposefully.
6. The practice of personal integrity.
— Focus on failure
Read part 2 of the article here or
download the full guide for free as a beautiful e-book here.
Written by Terry Travis and Willem.
If you know someone who might enjoy this article, please pass it on. Sharing is caring.
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Great advice for anyone still struggling with their self-esteem.
I really could relate to the personal experience. I also have trouble with losing weight and it has an enormous impact on myself image. Which related back to be confident and successful with women.
Nice write-up, love the insight "Estimating me", never thought of it this way.
"When I became proud of who I was, I allowed myself to actually connect with others, and to freely share my emotions."
This is so true, I can confirm from experiencing it in my own journey!
To the point and practical, which is though, as self-esteem in the end is more of a lose idea, yet crutial to a succesful dating life.