Again: a wonderfull article!
I really like how in depth you go on this topic. Even a nice step by step process you can follow.
Keep up the good work, terry!
Self-amusement to attract women
Self-amusement is the act of finding ways to amuse yourself. It’s a skill, as well as a state of mind. The more you practice at putting yourself in this vibe or state, the better you become at it.
Self-amusement engages your brain to look for things or create things to stimulate itself. There are different ways of doing this, but it’s all in your own power. You can be creative and use your imagination to ‘have fun’ (like role playing or coming up with strange stories) or you can just remember and visualise past fun experiences. (Think about a funny movie which instantly makes you laugh. If you’re on a date you can also talk about this movie.). You can even spot things in your environment and start ‘appreciating’ them...
The mistake a lot of people make around self-amusement is that they imagine having to be a loud comedian. That’s wrong. You can amuse yourself by observing a pen if that excites you. As long as you engage your brain emotionally you’re doing it good enough.
One of the biggest benefits of self-amusement is that once you’ve learned it, you can decide to have fun on demand. Whenever and wherever you are. It doesn’t matter if you’re on a boring date (not boring anymore!), if you’re on the bus or if you’re hanging out with friends. Self-amusement comes from within. It’s something you do to yourself and your environment shouldn’t matter.
And because you can do this despite of whatever's happening around you, you start being the one influencing your environment. Which can be great. You can literally make others feel good by making yourself feel good though self-amusement. That’s why it’s also called ‘gaming’ yourself.
Why is self-amusement to important
In short, it makes life better. Related to attracting women other than the fact that it’s attractive and helps you connect with her (see below), it keeps the game fun! Imagine trying to meet women in the same way each and every day. That would get old quite quickly, even if it doesn’t seem like it now. And because of it getting old it wouldn’t even work.
Human interactions are based on emotions. We hide this with facts and information but at the end we’re all guided by our emotions. If you’re not engaged in your conversations with women they’ll notice it, and you will lose motivation to start the conversation in the first place.
Self-amusement by definition is looking for ways to excite yourself and have fun. If the same thing does work over and over again for you it’s easy, if not you find something else. By focusing on amusing yourself when talking to women you set up a good frame for the whole conversation. A lot of guys try to impress women (read my article on it here: How to Impress a Girl) without any success because of the wrong frame this gives. Self-amusement will always beat trying to impress people
At the core of every skill, if you want to get good at something, you need a lot of practice. This goes for your social and seduction skills too. If you want to practice these skills you’ll have to find ways to keep your interactions fun and stimulating. That’s where self-amusement comes in.
The practice of self-amusement can help you connect with others in every social setting, be it with a woman, at work or with your friends. Evoking and sharing emotions is a great way to create connections with people. The good qualities conveyed by your self-amusement attract all people. Details and execution will obviously differ depending on the situation but it’s still a basic pillar of human interaction that can accomplish a lot of things like making people like you more. (Or dislike you faster but this way you’re not wasting your time with people who don’t match with your personality, this is good.)
What’s attractive about self-amusement
In short, it conveys a lot of attractive qualities as well as making others (including your dates!) feel better in the moment through emotional transference, which is very real. A lot of research has been done on it...
When you’re amusing yourself you’re not reacting to your environment (or to her). You do what you feel like doing all while being the one influencing people around you. Being able to self-amuse and influence others this way shows that you’re a high status man. It shows her that you’re high up on the social ladder. Self-amusing shows others that you feel like a boss, that you’re relaxed and not stressing about accidentally annoying others (within normal ranges of course).
When you’re self-amusing and actually putting yourself in a fun state, you make others feel the same emotions. That’s what being fun to be around actually means. It stems from having fun yourself, leading the way and allowing others to relax and have fun too. And yes, it might not be the easiest thing to always do but that makes it more rewarding. If everybody was self-amused, relaxed and fun it wouldn’t make you stand out in such a positive way.
Why can it be hard to self-amuse
Especially when you haven’t practiced it yet, self-amusement can be hard. Most people need to feel comfortable before they can amuse themselves. But it's pretty straightforward that feeling completely relaxed is not easy in places you don't visit often, especially if there's a hot girl watching you. Acceptance is the only thing you can do while slowly working at it.
A lot of men are also in a super rational mindset because of their work for example. Baby steps into relaxing and starting to enjoy yourself are the best thing you can do is such circumstances. You have to learn what steps work for you and repeat them until they become second nature as soon as you want to start relaxing and having fun.
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How to self-amuse
First you start by accepting the state you are in. You can be feeling on top of the world or really bad, it doesn't really matter. Just become aware of how you’re feeling and accept it. Then slowly start working towards enjoying yourself.
Meditation can help you become more self-aware about your feelings in the moment, which can then help you turn them around.
Sometimes you need to give your body a sort of spark to un-stifle. What I mean with this is wake your body and mind up for a second. You could jump around, scream your name for a bit or maybe just squeeze your hands. You just need to do something ‘different or strange’ to snap out of your body's cruise control. If you always use the same gesture or behavior it will start being anchored with getting in the right state. This will help your body shift it's emotions even easier. Right before experienced lifters lift heavy weights they perform a mini ritual. The same with sprinters and so on.
Now think about what puts you in a good mood. Is it a certain kind of jokes? Is it a certain dance when you’re out? You have to find out what engages your brain so that you can do it whenever you want to self-amuse. And then do it often while trying new things.
I love making silly jokes and teasing people. (Even my male friends, giving a little dis or troll for fun can add into the vibe, especially when they do it back. But this depends on your friends of course.) Teasing people and making silly jokes or comments makes me feel good, even if other people don’t find it as funny. Obviously I adjust toward what other people react to but even if they don’t react I still amuse myself in the process of trying to make them react. Does this make sense? You need to find what brings you in a good mood.
And when all else fails, fake it till you make it. Pretend to laugh or make fun until you feel like an idiot for doing it and start laughing with yourself. Everything is better than being in a too logical mindset that revolves around facts or outcomes… Experiment with yourself and see what works best. The more often you do it the easier it will become.
Some nuances while self-self amusing are:
- Have very low fun standards. If you like silly jokes use them. It’s not about what you’re laughing about, it’s about the fact that you’re laughing. Don’t censor yourself too much.
- Use curiosity to guide you, observe your environment and use elements out of it.
- Use what other people say to self-amuse by teasing them. Ask them questions for information to work with for fun.
- Don’t look for a reaction when self-amusing. Just be appropriate for your situation. If you notice that people really don’t react to a certain way of ‘self-amusing’, switch it up. Never look disappointed when people don’t validate you after doing something, you’re self-amusing for you, not for the validation.
Self-amusement vs boredom
Being bored in essence means that you’re under stimulated. It means that you’re not engaged in an activity, be it physically or mentally. When you find yourself in a boring situation immediately think about turning it around with the above steps. You could randomly just stand up, walk around and leave your company wondering what you’re doing. Then you can laugh a bit with their confusion and tell them you just felt like doing that with a smile. The possibilities are endless.
Good examples of moments to self-amuse:
You should always be in a fun state during social settings, but certain times you can use the amusement as a secret weapon for yourself. Two of the most difficult moments for most men are first approaching girls and after that trying to kiss girls.
- When wanting to approach girls to start a conversation (read my article on it here: How to Start a Conversation with a Woman) you can get caught up in your head pretty easily. Making a game out of it or just asking something funny can make it easier for you. It’s not my favorite way of starting conversation because it’s sort of a mask, but if you’re new to approaching women it can help. And example you can use are cheesy openers, just let her know you’re joking afterwards and slowly stop using this band aid while transitioning to more authentic ways to start conversations. (Just telling her you think she looks gorgeous for example.)
- When wanting to kiss a girl, a lot of guys stifle up too. They get caught up in their heads and are scared to be rejected. The fact is that you can easily laugh it off and enjoy it. There’s nothing wrong with trying to kiss a girl 2 or 3 times and it can even be very attractive to try a couple of times. Definitely check out my article on kissing girls here: How to kiss a girl.
- A final honorable mention is Tinder. I have a series called Tinder Tips where I give you the best practices for this beautiful app. A lot of men make the mistake to approach this app in a too serious way. If you check my article out on Tinder openers here: Tinder Tips: Tinder openers, you’ll see that I make a lot of silly comments to start conversations. These convey that I don’t really care about the outcome and that I’m a fun laid back and confident guy. All good things. On the homepage you'll be able to find my other Tinder Tips articles too.
That’s it for this article on self-amusement my man, I hope you enjoyed it! Questions are welcome in the comments!
- We've also put up our Facebook page! The DH group will follow soon but for now you can like the page here if you want to stay updated through Facebook: Dating Heroes Facebook page
Thanks again for being here and see ya soon,
(My man Virgin also wrote an article on 4 Tips for Self Amusement which you can check out if you enjoyed this one!)
Again: a wonderfull article!
I find myself as a boring person to talk to. So your saying its something that starts in your head?
What if you've always been boring.
Any books that related to this topic.
i was reading this other blog but it's just going on about all this crazy stuff
trying to look for a good resource.